Super Mario Wars

12.05.2015 § Leave a comment

If the characters in the original Star Wars trilogy were played by characters of the Super Mario franchise, who would play who? Here’s what I think:

PROTAGONISTS

Luke Skywalker : Mario

With little doubt I match the primary protagonists of each canon.

Princess Leia: Peach

With only one major female character in either canon, this decision was also a no-brainer. Peach’s primary purpose in life seems to be getting captured, which also happens to Leia in every one of the original films. While I have no reason to believe that Mario and Peach are siblings, the fact that no romance exists between them feels like extra evidence toward this pairing.

Han Solo: Luigi

While Luke and Han are not brothers as Mario and Luigi are, they are flipsides of the hero coin, and I don’t know who else could possibly fit the role Han. I considered swapping these matchings, that is, Luigi for Luke (both start with ‘Lu-‘) and Mario for Han, but I imagine a cocky Mario would be much more repellent than a cocky Luigi. Let’s give this guy a moment to shine, am I right? I see this as Luigi with firepower to replicate Han’s blaster, putting him in the white overalls like Han’s clunky white belt from Episode IV.

Chewbacca: Donkey Kong

Self-explanatory.

Yoda : Yoshi

Green and start with ‘Yo-‘. Best characters in respective franchises. Hilarious to imagine Yoshi riding Mario instead of other way around. Hilarious to imagine Yoshi spouting zen. Maybe he starts out as Baby Yoshi to appear unimposing, and quests for food, and it’s not until making it back to Yoshi’s house and eating enough stuff that Yoshi reveals his true power and thenceforth appears as grown Yoshi.

Obi-Wan Kenobi : Toad

I feel like Toad’s role in Mario games is often to provide helpful tools and advice. Like lightsabers and Force training.

Lando Calrissian : Lakitu

Live in clouds and start with ‘La-‘. Both occasionally good, occasionally bad.

ANTAGONISTS

Darth Vader : King Bowser

While I contemplated casting Wario here, as would make more sense for another human to be Luke’s father, I decided in the end that such impossibility was humorous. Anyway, I had to place Bowser on some kind of classic SMB3 airship to equate with the Executor. And who else could Bowser really play?

Emperor Palpatine : Kamek

Physically unimposing magic user in a robe? Check.

Stormtroopers : Koopa Troopas

Just as koopa shells are the lite version of Bowser and his family’s anthropomorpho-turtlocious shells, stormtrooper armor seems the lite version of Vader’s armor. Plus they’re both troop(a/er)s.

Imperial Officers : Goombas

The less armored of the generic bad guy pair up. Plus it’s funny to imagine them wearing little hats.

Boba Fett : Tatanga

Fett is the too-cool wild card. Tatanga is also the hipster’s choice of villain. They both have their own unusually shaped star ships. Done.

Grand Moff Tarkin : Waluigi

Gaunt and evil.

SUPPORTING CAST

C3PO : Bomb-omb Buddy

Talkative and non-organic.

R2D2 : Baby Luma

High-pitched and glassolaliac.

Admiral Ackbar : Blooper

Squid.

Jawas : Shy Guys

Look exactly the same. Are the same.

Greedo : Birdo

Egg-shaped heads. Names end in ‘-0’.

Jabba the Hutt : Nep-Enut

Fat and names end in ‘-ut(t)’.

Exogorth : Piranha Plant

Obviously the moment when the exogorth lurches from its nest on the asteroid is best imagined as a piranha plant coming out of a pipe going “chomp chomp chomp”.

Ewoks : Monty Moles

Monty Moles are bad guys, but little furries scurrying about is too good a match. Besides the Ewoks aren’t friendly straight away.

MSE-6 : Buzzy Beetle

Short and black.

AT-ATs, AT-STs : Thwomps, Thwimps

Grey. Two sizes.

Death Star : Koopa Clown Car

Hilarious to imagine a moon-sized clown face.

Speeders : Mario Karts

D’uh (pod racers might have been better, but I’m not going to the prequels).

Imperial Probes : Boo Buddies

No real resemblance, but they do float around and look at things.

Rancor : Chain Chomp

Unbridled violence on chains.

Cornelius Evazan : Wario

Because I just couldn’t have Waluigi matched and not Wario. Similar voices.

TIE Pilots : Hammer Brothers

Too good to imagine Bowser flanked by two of these when gunning down Rebel fighters.

 

MUSIC

Star Wars Main Titles Theme / Luke’s Theme : Super Mario Bros. 1 Main Theme / Overworld

They’re both the ultimate classic tune for the respective canon, as well as “where it all begins”. I hear things opening with the Star Wars fanfare for the first few bars, but then replacing the triplet introduction to the main theme at that point with the opening “doot doot doot, doo-doot doot… doot” of the SMB1 theme.

Rebel Fanfare : Super Mario Bros. 1 Underworld

While not immediately obvious in terms of mood, what with the fanfare being epic and heroic and the Mario underworld being dark and funky, the structural similarities are remarkable. The Rebel Fanfare goes like “da-DAAANH-duh” twice before then going “da-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANH… daa, dada-DAHN-duh.” The Mario underworld theme goes like “doo-dee-doo-dee-doot-doot” frice before then going “do-do-do-doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, do-do-de-do-do-de-doot–doot–doot–doot–doot–doot.” So if you just imagine the 4x of underworld reduced to 2x and map that to the 2x of the fanfare, then suspend the big DAAAAAAAANH of the fanfare over the spastic last section of the underworld, then matching up their wrap-up spots, it fits pretty well.

Cantina Band : Super Mario Bros. 2. Overworld

Totally the correct loungy vibe.

Death Star Theme : Super Mario Bros. 1 Castle

The Death Star theme is super short – just four chords. The castle theme is a pretty tight loop too. Both songs carry that imposing power of evil feel, and the Death Star basically is a futuristic castle, is it not?

The Force / Obi-Wan’s Theme : Super Mario Bros. 1 Level Complete

I’m sure there’s some way you could subtly redo the famous level complete music to twinge it with the beauty and striving it needs to fill this role.

Tie Fighter Battle : Starman

Starman is the name for the music that plays when you touch a power star and become temporarily invincible. Matches the staccato energy of this battle well.

Jawa Theme : Super Mario Bros. 3 Toad’s House

Playful and weird.

Imperial March :  Super Mario Bros. 3 Airship

I think few would argue with me here.

Cloud City theme : Super Mario Bros. 3 World 5, The Sky

Apparently both Williams and Kondo had similar feelings about cumulus civilization.

Yoda’s Theme : Super Mario World Theme

This Kondo theme takes on a great many forms, so just take its notes and map them to the style of Yoda’s theme and you’re set.

The Emperor’s Theme – Super Mario World Bowser’s Theme

Even Bowser’s theme is yet another variation of the single melody Kondo used for SMW, and while The Imperial March is more clearly a mirror of Yoda’s theme, we know the Emperor is more clearly a mirror for Yoda. Though I did make Bowser Vader, and Bowser’s theme gets way more energetic than the Emperor’s ever does.

 

FAILURES

On the Star Wars side, I wish I had found matches for Tusken Raiders & Banthas, and Tauntauns & Wampas. Of course Tauntauns are shaped like Yoshis, but Yoshi is too good of a character to waste on them.

On the Mario side, I wish I had found matches for Pokeys, Wigglers, Spinies, and Bullet Bills – all classic baddies but which I don’t feel align with the missing creatures from the Star Wars universe.

Pairing music was much tougher because Kondo, genius though he is, does not need to paint with as broad a tonal brush as Williams does. I am missing matches for anything feminine connected to Leia, the more emotional Han and the Princess, Leia’s Theme, and Luke and Leia’s Theme. I suppose if I tried harder I could find matches for Boba Fett’s theme and Vader’s Theme (the one from IV, before the Imperial March was composed). There’s a ton of good Mario music that I couldn’t find silly enough matches in SW for, such as the Hammer Bros theme, Super Mario Bros. 1’s Underwater theme, or Super Mario Bros. 3’s Grasslands, Overworld 1, and Overworld 2 themes.

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